Hanahakaloogie
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Keith is coughing out flower petals but insists he doesn't have a crush on anyone. Everyone tries to kiss him better.


"Keith, you sounded really weird back there," Shiro said as the group convened in the room. "What's going on?"

"Ugh. SOMETHING." Keith grumbled.

He fell into a coughing fit. Soon his eyes were full of water and his hands were full of flower petals.

"Holy crow… what in the world IS this?"

"I can only think…." Pidge began. "But that's just insane."

"What?" Lance egged.

"It looks like Hanahaki disease."

"Yeah, can you explain that for the less scientifically-inclined of us?"

"Well it's more pseudo-science than anything. It's a disease where an unrequited crush manifests in a person coughing up flower petals."

"No WAY! Keith has a crush on someone?" Lance hooted. "Who is it, someone on the team?"

"No one," Keith bristled, pulling a leaf out of his mouth.

"Come on, Keith, we're not making fun of you, we're trying to figure this out," Shiro said.

"I'm telling the truth."

"Don't worry Keith, I get it," Hunk pat him on the back. "Of course you don't want to talk about something personal like that."

"You guys are the worst."

He coughed out a couple more petals.

"Also it can be fatal," Pidge added.

"Is there anything we can do about it?" Shiro asked.

"Well…" Pidge began. "Normally the only cure is a change in affections. So either Keith needs to get over this crush FAST, or one of us has to fall in love with him, like, NOW."

"How does this disease even know how people feel?" Lance asked.

"Huh," Pidge mused. "You know, maybe we can trick it…"

Keith hacked up a very lovely rosette.

"How?" he mumbled.

"Maybe if you get a kiss from the person in question, the flowers might not know the difference and go into remission."

"Are you crazy? I don't have a crush on anyone."

"Right. Does anybody here actually believe that?" Lance polled the room.

The room agreed with him.

"Sorry, Keith," Pidge shrugged. "If you won't tell us who it is, then we'll ALL have to kiss you. I volunteer to go last."

"I… uhh…" Keith stammered.

"Hate physical contact?" Pidge finished for him. "Well don't worry, because anyone who has a crush on YOU is exempt." She looked out to the group. "Does anybody have a crush on Keith?"

"Why would someone with a crush on Keith want to be exempt from this?" Lance asked.

"Okay, so Lance has a crush on Keith and is exempt from testing."

"WAIT WHAT, I NEVER SAID THAT!"

Keith started to laugh but it just ended in more petals.

"Keith, I know you don't like Pidge's idea but it's all we have to go on," Shiro said. "Please let us try to help."

"Me first!" Hunk cheered. He swept in and laid a kiss on Keith's nose.

Keith blushed.

"You've been WAITING to do that, haven't you?" Pidge smirked at Hunk.

"Hey, I love Keith and the guy never gives me the chance to show it."

Keith coughed up another flower.

"Well it looks like Keith doesn't love YOU," Pidge diagnosed. "Next!"

Lance and Shiro glanced at each other.

"I fold," Lance stepped back.

Shiro bent down to kiss Keith's forehead.

They waited. Nothing happened.

"Okay but it's still MY turn," Lance pushed past Shiro. He reached out, paused, took Keith's hand and kissed it.

Keith pulled back his hand to cough into his elbow. A spray of petals flew out.

Lance crossed his arms.

"Well, Pidge, you know what THAT means."

She sighed.

"Ugh. Fine."

A peck on the cheek later, Keith was still coughing flowers.

"Maybe the kiss method doesn't actually work," said Hunk, starting to sound nervous.

"Hang on," Pidge put up a hand. "We haven't tried Allura yet."

Lance rounded on Keith.

"You can't kiss Allura!"

"Why not?" Keith wiped a petal from his chin.

The door hissed open.

"What's going on in here?"

"Allura! You have to kiss Keith!" Hunk wailed.

"Excuse me?"

"It's for the greater good! We've tried everything!" Pidge said.

Allura looked at them incredulously. Then she looked at Keith.

"I won't do that, but I will accept one," she said, holding out a hand.

Keith gingerly took it and gave it an awkward kiss.

The next moment found him spitting a flower.

"It didn't work?" Lance shouted. "Who's even LEFT?"

The realization fell heavy upon them.

"Oh my god."

"Hello everyone!" Coran sang as he entered the room.

No one responded to him.

"Why so morose, all of you?"

"Keith is sick," Shiro finally spoke up.

"That so? With what?"

Then Coran's eyes fell on the flowers. He reached to pick one up.

"A phytonoma, that's what!"

"A… what?"

"Oh, nasty little beasties," Coran said, scrunching the flower in his fist. "They're a plant-based lung parasite, but they're not native to this quadrant. They must have been among the biological weapons you were sent to destroy the other week."

Nobody spoke.

"Best come with me, Keith, the longer it stays the worse it'll be to extract," Coran motioned.

Keith followed Coran out of the room but not before throwing a glare to everyone else.

The silence continued after the door shut.

Then Pidge spoke in a very small voice.

"I think we owe somebody a very big apology."

Lance grinned.

"And a get-well kiss."


End file.
